I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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