who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
