my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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