Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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