I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
