I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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