You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
