What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
