I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
