He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
