I've blown a few things in my day
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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