Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
