Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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