Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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