Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
