Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
