I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
