Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
