i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
