she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize