Can i not drive my cunt home
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize