I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
