my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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