I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Send help, water and tortillas.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
