I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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