i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
