I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
