I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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