i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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