he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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