I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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