At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
