Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize