Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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