There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
