just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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