i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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