FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
