So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
