it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
