I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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