If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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