Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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