he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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