I accidentally burped into my bong.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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