I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize