I'm really into asian looking animals
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
