Kareoke will never be a sober sport
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
