I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
zippers are such a cool invention
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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