do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
