Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
