first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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