I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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