Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I wish there were birth control emojis
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
