im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
