and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
