i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
